The Silly Children, by Dustin
The red team had had enough of this whispering and asked them what was so important that they had to talk about it right then. The blue team told them, “well, we were going to spare your feelings but since you insist, we believe that you are inferior to us because you do not use blue horseshoes. Don’t you silly idiots know that only mean, closed minded, holier than thou kind of people use red horseshoes? How do you live with yourselves knowing that you are an evil person because you choose to not use the blessed blue horseshoes.
When the red team had gotten over the shock of hearing this they started to think that maybe there was something to this. But it was obvious that if this whole blessed horseshoe thing was real then the blue team had it all wrong. The red horseshoes were sacred, it was so obvious now. The blue team was a bunch of evil heretics with no morality whatsoever. They must be destroyed.
So thus began the conflict between the most holy church of Ivan the blessed blue horseshoe thrower and the holy and sacred church of Alyssa the terrific and marvelous red horseshoe thrower. Being children all they did at first was give each other black eyes and try to convert their classmates. They would pass out tracts telling the children to beware of the evil ones (whichever colour was the opposite of theirs) and telling about the wonderful exploits of Ivan or Alyssa, which were basically the same person with different names.
The church of Ivan the blessed blue met on Tuesday, while the church of Alyssa the sacred red met on Thursday. This has been a topic of debate for almost two millenniums now, with no end in sight. After the founders of these holy and most sacred of churches (which I and many others consider to be essentially one and the same, that in fact the holiest of holy horseshoes is lavender, with a touch of fuchsia) grew up and had converted hundreds of followers to their respective points of view they now realized that the horseshoes were angry at them for allowing the other group to live and spread its horrible lies.
It was at this point that the conflict began in earnest. No more name-calling and shoving, it was time to be serious. But they realized that they would need an endless supply of troops so they started talk radio shows and even started their own television stations. They wrote holy books, which were contradictory and full of mathematical and scientific errors. And which also told their followers that their respective blessed horseshoe throwers wanted them to give a portion of their income to the church.
This bloody war continued for centuries, until they finally got tired of killing each other and decided to just call each other names and have debates over whether the holy horseshoe is made of steel or aluminum. While there is some evidence that seems to say that aluminum is the answer, most of this evidence seems to have been planted. But there really is no concrete evidence for steel either. So it appears that some elements in the churches would like to go to war again, just to decide this pressing issue. And while I will grant that it is a question of utmost importance, I am worried that this conflict will escalate even further than the conflict over whether or not the holy horseshoe has a stripe of purple on one side.
From The Devils of Loudun, by Aldous Huxley
"In order to justify their behavior, they turn their theories into dogma, their bylaws into first principles, their political bosses into gods and all those who disagree with them into incarnate devils. This idolatrous transformation of the relative into the absolute and the all too human into the divine, makes it possible for them to indulge their ugliest passions with a clear conscience, and in the certainty that they are working for the highest good. And when the current beliefs come, in their turn, to look silly, a new set will be invented so that the immemorial madness may continue to wear it's customary mask of legality, idealism and true religion."
My prayer to the Invisible Pink Unicorn
To the IPU
Oh great Invisible Pink Unicorn, blessed be thy gilded hooves, I praise thee and ask that thou wouldest bless me and multiply my income tenfold. I also ask for your divine guidance as to whether I should wear my green sneakers or my leather flip-flops. Or perhaps I should go barefoot, if that be your will, oh great one. I also implore you to watch over me and shield me from my enemies, the evil spirits which are just as invisible and unproven as you, madam, but which I also believe in. In summary, oh wonderful horned deity that created the universe and everything in it only 5,000 years ago, despite what all those silly scientists with all their knowledge and research have said, please bless all of your humble servants, the least of which is I.
Russell's teapot
"If I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes. But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense. If, however, the existence of such a teapot were affirmed in ancient books, taught as the sacred truth every Sunday, and instilled into the minds of children at school, hesitation to believe in its existence would become a mark of eccentricity and entitle the doubter to the attentions of the psychiatrist in an enlightened age or of the Inquisitor in an earlier time."
- Bertrand Russell
Hellalujah, by Insane Clown Posse
"Give God the first portion of your income, say that with me,
Give God the first portion of your income. Give it first!
Not after deducts, not after the social security, and the
hospitilization, and the malnutrition. Not after all these
things on your check you say, I'm gonna give God a little what's
left. You do, and that's what you gonna get from God."
[Violent J]
Who am I? I'm not the Devil
I can take you to my level
Above the rocks, above the earth
Tell me what your soul is worth
How much money do you make?
How much will you let me take?
I will give you tranquilty
Just send your wealth and checks to me
Life is going to expire
And your soul will burn in fire
You will perish in the thunder
Unless you call my hotline number
God has asked you to make me rich
Me and my fat-whack gaudy bitch
On your T.V.'s late at night
Send those checks and I'll guide you to the light
"Don't put away your wallets just yet, brothers and sisters. There's
somebody here I'd like all of you to meet. This is little Jonathan.
Jonathan, say hello to the lovely people, (hello). Jonathan has
problems. Twisted neck, tangled legs, crooked spine, but we can heal
this boy. For just, uh, six thousand dollars, we can heal this boy!"
[Violent J]
God had called me and then stopped by
And he told me you're gonna die
Unless you buy my holy water
Check, cash, or a money order
This is true, don't question me
I'll even send you shit for free
It's only ten bucks for the call
And I'll send a prayer, no charge at all
Put your lips up to the screen
Close your eyelids and intervene
Your lips to mine, now send the cash
And while you're there, you can kiss my ass
Take your paycheck and send me half
And I'll send you God's autograph
I'll get Allah's and Buddha's too
Even Zeus, I don't give a fuck who
Just send me that money
"Would you like to healed, little Jonathan? (yes, reverand).
You see brothers and sisters, this...(beep-beep beep-beep)
Excuse me. I told you never to page me on a sermon day. Yes?
Uh-huh. Hallalujah. Outty. People, that was the lord, today only,
he will heal this boy, for just five thousand dollars!"
Pass the collection plate (show-show me how you give)
Pass the collection plate (g-give-give, how to live)
Pass the collection plate (show-show-show me how you give)
Pass the collection plate (show me how you give, I'll tell you how to live)
[Violent J]
Your total's twenty-two eleven
For your set of keys to heaven
Make the checks out in my name
Me or God, it's all the same
Bring your crippled ass to me
Pay my usher the holy fee
I'll bless your legs and bless your chair
Then wheel your bitch-ass outta here
Now a special ceremony
This part don't cost any money
Drip a drop of blessed water
Now I fertalize your daughter
Even though I fucked a hooker
Took your baby girl and shook her
You still buy everything I sell
And I'm living well
See you in Hell!
"Four-thousand, eight-hundred, nine-hundred, five thousand
Hallalujah, you did it brothers and sisters. Are you ready, Jonathan?
(yes, reverand) Lord Almighty, we've met your price, give me the
healing power, I can feel it, Lord! Roomy loomy lama noma noomy!
This boy is healed. (really?) Now to the naked eye, it would appear
that this boy has not been healed, but I can assure you, this boy's
spirit has been healed. Inside this tangled, mangled frame is a healed
little boy. His spirit is healed, Hallalujah!"
In The Name Of God, by Dream Theater
Some inspiration from the bible ;)
"For everyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother. His blood shall be upon him." (Leviticus 20:9)
"If a man lies with a woman during her sickness and uncovers her nakedness, he has discovered her flow, and she has uncovered the flow of her blood. Both of them shall be cut off from her people." (Leviticus 20:18)
"Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property." (Leviticus 25:44-45)
"Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard." (Leviticus 19:27)
"Do not wear material woven of two kinds of material." (Leviticus 19:19)
(That's right all you dirty sinners wearing polyester AND cotton shirt! You sicken me!
